Mike Portnoy is the kind of drummer who makes the rest of us feel like we’ve been politely tapping pencils on our desks for no reason our whole lives. As the co-founder and rhythmic engine of Dream Theater, he doesn’t just keep time—he practically builds cities out of drum fills, complex polyrhythms, and jaw-dropping stamina, all while somehow smiling like it’s casual Tuesday.

Watching Portnoy play is like watching a caffeinated octopus in a tuxedo audition for a PhD in percussion. He can switch from thunderous double bass madness to delicate jazz-inflected ghost notes without breaking a sweat, and fans still argue over which is more impressive: his technical wizardry or the fact he somehow remembers every drum part ever written. In short, Mike Portnoy is the human embodiment of “too many notes, but somehow perfect,” and the rest of us are just grateful he’s busy drumming so we don’t have to.